Your free mind is not so free any more
Being a beginner writer sure messes with your head. Because you start with that pure intention of just expressing yourself in written words, putting your soul and mind in front of complete strangers. Open up to world, because you feel you have something to say. To share. People want to share. This is the new economy: sharing. It stands on a terrific foundation: “I am so happy or sad, that I want you to feel the exact greatness or sadness that happened to me”. It’s a tremendous feeling when it’s about something positive (like sharing a great movie, a book or a place to eat) and it’s a call for help, when it’s something negative. Nevertheless, you want to share what you experienced. You feel it will bring value to others, as well.
Being happy alone is selfish
There is a quote from the movie Into the wild, based on real events, that moves me to tears, even now. It says: “Happiness is only real when shared“. That son of bitch romantic guy left completely unprepared for the wilderness and, eventually, died of starvation and, maybe, food poisoning. He had an immense love for life. But, in the end, he realized that being happy alone is selfish. He wanted everybody to know his happiness. He wanted to share.
I have all the love in the world for him. I feel him. I, myself, wanted, so many times, to just take off, to leave everything and live in a cave. Voices in my head told me that this bullshit is not for me, everything is fake, people are just animals in disguise (I strongly believe that even now). Alienate from society, from nonsense. Be with God. Alone. In a forest, or a cave or something. I have suicidal thoughts all the time, I struggle to keep the appearances, for the sake of my family. It’s hard for a rotten soul to live nowadays. It’s always been, I’m sure… But, enough with this right now. I want to write a proper piece about my depression.
This is when ego kicks in
This is exactly what I was wondering: are you still genuine the moment you start writing for internet ? Here I was blabbering about my sorry ass, but I stopped and I said: “hey, you need to sort your thoughts, to have structure, to be tidy in your writing”. Maybe there are people reading this nonsense, you want them to like you.
Your free mind is immediately altered with the false “writing mind” and is flooded with questions and matters like these:
- what subjects would people like to read
- what stories intrigues people
- how can I gain more followers
- how can I make myself more likable
- shall I be careful about my syntax
- do I try to monetize my content
With that last question in mind, the clouds of writing’s doubt fade away, leaving room for a bright clear sky.
Business vs. personal writing
I had no answer for my question when I started writing this. Maybe, it was a silly question from the beginning.
A “business” writer writes to make money out of it. It’s his goal from the start. This clearly affects the nature of the content. It has to be something catchy, to appeal to his audience, to be enjoyable in reading and so forth.
A personal writer is a loser who writes only for the pleasure of it. Like myself now. He starts with that pure intention, to be open and sincere in his writing, and not to let himself be corrupted by anything. He wants to be special, different. To show everybody that it’s possible. But, it doesn’t last long. The Ego kicks in. And Ego is a bitch. Ego is your worst self. He starts to get likes, comments and, deep down inside him, he enjoys it. He has become corrupted so easily.
This is how we all start, as a personal writer. After that, we slowly turn into a “business” writer.
Duality of the Human
I started writing with the sole purpose of ameliorating my depression. The goal is to let out my frustration, to be brutal in writing, to shock myself, to unleash my demons, all under the safety of anonymity.
Because, my friends, we all have a duality nature in ourselves. The more happy and gay a person is in real life, the more miserable and down is deep in his soul (sometimes they don’t even know it, they just live with it). There always must be a balance in everything.
In society, I act like a normal person: I look happy, I am pleasant, I make jokes with strangers and close people, I give advice. But, when I’m alone, at home, in the tube, walking or whatever, I’m depressed as fuck. But, hey, we all have to wear our masks, right ?
On a happy note, writing feels good. It gives me confidence. I like this shit 🙂